[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.


Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..


It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly


Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…


make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”


I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.


Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.


[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!


Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?


“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything