[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.