doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Damn what did I do next
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Oh thanks BBC.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me