doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
same energy
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong