Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
How do dragons blow out candles?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Alexa: *deep breath*
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
A small tragedy.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.