Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.