Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.