Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.