Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.