4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT