Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles