Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.