Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27