Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

*skinny dips into black hole

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Pringles

WHO DID THIS?

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.