Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

🤫

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.