Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Mhm.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?