doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.