Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

This kinda thing happens to me often

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.