Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played