Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.