Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.