Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..