Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.