Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

My circle of trust is a meatball

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.