Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
You Might Also Like
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
12. I think about this all the damn time
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?