Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
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I’m about to risk it all
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.