Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.