Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today