Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.