Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

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