Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so