Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.