Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

My last name is Zilla.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas