DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
they really wanted me dead for this
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose