I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”