Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
You Might Also Like
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.