Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
The internet is full of many things
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
craving $300 all of a sudden
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.