Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.