Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
They did not think through this water fountain
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!