Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

🤣

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.