Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

ME (calling my horse with no name):

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?