Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Pringles

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

This cat wants you to take your pills

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

Dumplings,

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

they should create new variants of dopamine

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day