Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

house sitting!

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

This could be us… but you playing

i actually laughed 😩

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good