Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

something like this could probably happen to anyone

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.