Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?