DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting