Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.