DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
(Electricians.)
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that