Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

TRAIN’S HERE

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?