Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
The answer is funnier than the question
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*