Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

here we go again

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.