Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.