Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Just as the prophecy foretold

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???