Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

Lmao 😁

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Practicing safe sax

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again