Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

that de-escalated quickly

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.