Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son