Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.