Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight