Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry