Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation