doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
hmmm
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred