Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Reporter: *ports again*

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

quarantine day 3

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away