Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Omg 🤣

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands