doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
#math
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
