Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop