Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.