Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever