Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE