Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.