Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

🐦

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

due date

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…