Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

damn he’s good

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

asking santa clause for nudes

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.