Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

#NoRestForTheWicked

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory