doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I gave up going to work for lent.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me