Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

PARKOUR

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

Icarus loved hot wings.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

I have never related to anyone more.