Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.