Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

this was the best i’ve ever seen

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.