Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

🤣

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate