Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

These are so Plastic Man-core

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Still cracks me up

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”