Doctor: Any cancer in the family?

Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.

Doc: …

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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.


Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.


Calling it Quarantine:
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck


[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.


[Sex Shop]

Worker: can I help you?

Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please


Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.


weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount


Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted


1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt