If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
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Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.
Calling it Quarantine:
Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Worker: can I help you?
Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt