@TheRealRHB

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?

Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.

Doc: …

You Might Also Like

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@mxmclain

Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.

@LoSucks

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@Barknado69

[Sex Shop]

Worker: can I help you?

Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please

@shutupmikeginn

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

@hippieswordfish

weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

@ArfMeasures

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

@briangaar

FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt