Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Pat is about to own someone
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”