Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”