Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
