Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Chicken bread

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.