Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

back to work

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.