Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now