Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!