doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
jesus christ confetti not now
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca