Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
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Boom, boom, ching!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
This came to me in a dream.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
i love meeting boys on tinder
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.